Image Credit: Kassandra Estrada
I work with couples as part of my practice as a psychotherapist and based on that experience as well as what I’ve learned from other therapists, training, and my own personal experience, I’ve come to understand some things that likely apply to most relationships.
First, relationships can survive some very intense and distressing problems if both partners actually want it to survive—and they act in good faith, i.e., no hidden agendas, they have a resolution orientation, they don’t want to hurt the other person, etc. That sounds like stating the obvious, but that is frequently something partners haven’t fully explored yet. The reverse is also true. Relationships can be ended by even mild challenges if either or both partners don’t want it to survive. The viability of relationships is less about the specific issues that partners are dealing with, although some are certainly more disruptive than others; it’s about the extent to which they believe they’re better off in the relationship than out of it, and whether or not there is something solid to build on.
Here are some of my observations, in no particular order.
- Couples therapy is often not initially about saving a relationship. It’s about finding the clarity to determine if being in the relationship is preferable to being out of it. Then, if both partners prefer to be in the relationship, therapy can help to make that union more rewarding and sustainable.
- Some of the most overwhelming challenges in a relationship are not actually about the relationship. They are about what each individual brings to the relationship from to their own personal history and mental health journey.
- Sometimes one partner brings the other partner to couples therapy to “fix them” or in hopes that the therapist will side with them. That is rarely a productive place to start.
- Sometimes people leave or end relationships that are “better” for them than the alternative and sometimes people stay in relationships that are harmful because they fear being alone more than they fear being hurt. Both cases reflect an inability to accurately compare the status quo to an alternative.
- Our deep, human need for intimate, relational connection underlies both the joy and the pain of romantic partnerships.
- Getting ourselves or someone else to change small behaviors is often possible. Changing who someone else is, is rarely possible, and even when it happens, is hard to sustain.
- When we can commit to hearing/understanding our partner, we are more likely to be able to accept who they are. Sometimes this requires temporarily subordinating our own need to be heard/understood.
- Relatedly, acceptance of who someone is, although hard, rather than trying to change them, is usually much more productive and less exhausting. It can even lead us to understand things about the other person that are endearing or uniquely valuable.
- Changing ourselves, even in profound ways, is possible when the desire for change is greater than the inertia of the status quo. This may simply mean that the perceived benefit of a change outweighs the benefit of not changing or the pain of the status quo becomes greater than the pain of change.
- The relationship has to be worth the effort. Sustaining romantic partnerships is usually hard work, with moments and periods that don’t feel very rewarding. In order to do the work, partners have to believe the relationship itself is worth it.
- Partners are not the same people with the same needs over time. Sometimes relationships last because they also change.
- It’s very hard to resolve difficult problems when partners are exhausted, or mad at each other or hurt. Exhaustion and anger get in the way of compassion and understanding. Sometimes, relational work requires cooling off periods.
- Sometimes ultimatums work, but they can be high risk. The partner giving the ultimatum has to be prepared to walk away if the other partner doesn’t capitulate. It’s not a good idea to “fake” an ultimatum.
- Upset partners can solve problems; partners who no longer care typically don’t have the necessary motivation to solve problems.
- Resolution is not worth loss of identity, dignity, or agency. It’s usually temporary and leads to resentment anyway.
- Many things are possible when partners act in good faith. On the contrary, hidden agendas and manipulation sabotage connection.
- Relationships can even survive fury if the fury is about what someone did rather than who the person is.
- Relatedly, contemptuous, personal attacks are toxic to relationships (see Gottman’s Four Horsemen)
- Relationships flourish when partners engage in conflicts with a genuine desire to achieve resolution rather than to “win.” The problem with winning is that, by definition, there is a loser, and that is not good for the relationship.
- Attachment style matters. When one partner is anxious and the other is avoidant, even if the relationship lasts, it will typically be filled with dissonance and distress.
- Similarly, genuine personality disorders on the part of one partner (narcissism, anti-social, borderline) may be survivable by the other partner, but often at great personal cost.
- Not all problems are created equal. Some “nuts and bolts” problems might never be solved and the relationship can still be okay. Problems related to intimacy and compatibility, however, if left unresolved, might be insurmountable.
- All relationships have conflict (and if they don’t, there is probably avoidance). Conflict is fine. It can even be an opportunity for growth. Conflict without healthy resolution is a problem.
- All relationships will experience some level of “rupture” to connection and intimacy. Fortunately, they can survive even severe rupture if the partners are capable of repair after the rupture.
- Some problems don’t merit being “resolved.” No partner should endure abuse in order to “work on” a relationship.
- Romantic partnerships can survive in the absence of physical intimacy, but they tend to evolve into something other than romantic partnerships.
- Hetero relationships benefit from being socially sanctioned. They are not easier to manage, but they can be fully open in all situations.
- Not all feelings are equal. Anger, frustration, and even despair don’t feel good, but resentment, envy, and jealousy are corrosive.
- Sex matters. In romantic, monogamous relationships, sexual exclusivity often defines what makes the bond unique or sacred.
- Relational skills matter, but they matter less than kindness, empathy, compassion, intimacy, and good faith.
- “Trust issues” sabotage relationships because they sabotage intimacy.
- When one partner takes an emotional risk (is vulnerable) and receives a supportive response, the relational bond deepens. However, when vulnerability is met with dismissal or indifference (or worse), it doesn’t simply leave things unchanged—it actively harms the relationship.
- Sometimes the most important thing a partner can do is temporarily subordinate their needs to the other partner.
- Relational success isn’t necessarily about longevity. Sometimes it’s about skillfully and kindly ending a relationship.
Of course, the items above comprise a partial list of what I’ve learned, and an even smaller list of what there is to know overall about relationships. While working with couples, I’ve seen a wide variety of issues and approaches in relationships that contribute to my observations above. Also, most of the adult individuals I work with bring relational issues into individual counseling as well. Human connection really matters to us!
I’ve seen wonderful, inspiring things happen in relationships. I’ve seen people behave well and badly. I’ve seen relationships end. And I’ve flat out told individuals that they are abusing their partner and that I can’t work with them as a couple as long as the abuse continues (while providing resources and advocacy for the abused partner).
Working with couples (and individuals as well) is a privilege. Being invited into the inner sanctum of intimate relationships is something most people rarely experience and a powerful way to learn about people and how they relate to one another. One other thing I’ve learned is that we humans are capable of deep, deep love for others. We are capable of compromise and sacrifice. And we can love, lose, and love again. At any age and under any circumstances.