Image Credit: enotalone.com
Defining Grief
Grief is the deep emotional suffering that follows a significant loss — most commonly the death of someone loved and/or deeply cared for, but also the loss of a relationship, a way of life, an identity, a sense of security, future plans, and connection that held profound meaning, among other potential losses.
Grief is both universal and intensely personal. Everyone experiences it, yet no two people grieve in quite the same way or on the same timeline. It typically involves a mix of emotions that can feel contradictory or overwhelming — sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, disorientation, relief, numbness, even moments of unexpected joy. It can also show up physically, as exhaustion, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, or a kind of heaviness in the body.
More recently, definitions of grief have expanded to include ambiguous grief (grieving someone still living, like in dementia or estrangement) and disenfranchised grief (losses society doesn’t always recognize or validate, like a pet, suicide, overdose, etc.). Disenfranchised grief can feel more distressing because it often doesn’t allow for shared, public grieving in the way that more traditional, tangible loss and grief does.
Some believe that grief is a reflection of how much the loss mattered—a means of maintaining connection with whom or what is gone.
The Act of Grieving
If grief is how we feel loss, grieving, or mourning, is how we experience and process that loss. Some frameworks, like Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s well-known stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), offer a loose map of the process — though most grief researchers today emphasize that these aren’t linear stages so much as states that come and go unpredictably. More recently, David Kessler, a grief and trauma researcher, added finding meaning in loss as a sixth stage to the model.
Grieving is not necessarily about “moving on.” It’s about figuring out how to go forward and build a different life or world around the loss. Healthy grieving often requires cycling back and forth between:
- Loss-orientation: remembering, yearning, crying, meaning-making (past)
- Restoration-orientation: living, distracting, working, laughing, planning (future)
People sometimes worry they’re “doing it wrong” when they laugh or experience pleasure or relief while grieving — but the brain needs breaks to metabolize grief as well as to experiment with what a different, livable future might look like.
Some Helpful Steps for Grieving
1) Acknowledging the Reality of the Loss
It is usually helpful to be very open and direct about who or what was lost and that it/they are no longer here in a physical sense. This supports the brain to update its internal model of the world.
Behaviors that Often Help
- Saying the person’s name out loud
- Talking about how they died (at a pace you can tolerate)
- Participating in rituals (funeral, memorial, private goodbye)
- Encountering reminders instead of permanently avoiding them
- Using concrete language (“died” rather than euphemisms)
2) Allowing Emotional Processing (Not Just Expression)
Grieving isn’t only crying. It includes many emotions that need permission to coexist. Try not to resist emotions, even when intense.
Common emotions include, but are not limited to:
- Sadness
- Anger (at the person, doctors, self, God, randomness)
- Relief (very common but often hidden)
- Guilt
- Confusion
- Fear
- Numbness
Effective processing often looks like:
- Naming emotions instead of explaining them away
- Moving in and out of feeling (oscillation)
- Tolerable doses, although sometimes it will be flooding
3) Supporting Continuing Bonds (This is Not “Letting Go” or Forgetting)
Modern grief research shows adaptation happens by changing the relationship with whom or what was lost, not ending it.
Healthy Activities:
- Talking to the person internally
- Writing letters
- Living by their values
- Keeping and revisiting certain objects
- Telling stories about them
- Rituals that maintain connection
- Making/eating their favorite meal or going to their favorite place
- Asking “what would they say?”
Goal:
To move the sense of what was loss from physical presence → psychological/spiritual presence
4) Social Witnessing
When appropriate, and with people who can be supportive, sharing grief in the presence of others is often healing.
5) Finding Meaning in the Loss
Eventually the mind asks: “Given this happened… who am I now and what does my life look like going forward?” Finding meaning doesn’t mean finding a reason the loss happened, or deciding it was somehow “worth it” or “for the best.” The loss itself may have no good reason. Rather, it’s about finding meaning after the loss — in how you live, what you do, who you become in its wake. Is there something to learn? Is there a legacy you can honor? Is there a purpose you can pursue? Meaning making is less about having answers and more about creating a workable narrative to support going forward.
6) Gradual Rebuilding of Life around the Loss
This is not betrayal of the loss — it’s neurological necessity.
Healthy Activities
- Plan one thing in the future (even a week ahead)
- Try a new routine once weekly
- Re-engage a hobby, even at low intensity
- Learn something unrelated to the loss
- Volunteer in low emotional exposure roles
Signs of Integration
- Pleasure without guilt (eventually)
- Thoughts about the future
- Fond/warm memories
- The loss becomes part of your story, not the whole story
Activities to Support Wellness While Grieving
When someone is grieving, “wellness” doesn’t mean feeling better — it means keeping the nervous system flexible and stable enough to metabolize grief.
1) Giving Your Brain Recovery Breaks (Nervous System Reset)
Grief is physiologically exhausting. Restoration is not avoidance — it is required processing time.
Regulating Activities
- Walking outdoors (especially rhythmic walking)
- Repetitive tasks using the hands (cooking, knitting, woodworking, puzzles)
- Warm water (shower, bath, hot tub)
- Watching familiar shows (predictability calms threat systems)
- Gentle cleaning or organizing
- Artwork
- Time with animals
2) Activities That Maintain Connection with Others (Social Regulation)
Helpful activities
- Sit with someone without needing conversation
- Run errands with someone
- Go to a movie or art show
- Attend grief groups (structured witnessing)
- Briefly engage “strangers”
This isn’t about being “cheered up” — it’s about being in the company of others while sad.
3) Activities That Support the Body (Biological Stabilization)
Grief disrupts sleep, appetite, and hormones — stabilizing the body prevents emotional spiraling.
Small, Realistic Choices
- Eat smaller amounts more regularly and avoid processed food and sugar
- Limit caffeine, alcohol, and other psychoactive substances
- Get regular sunlight exposure, particularly in the morning (5–10 min)
- Commit to consistent bed and wake times
- Stay hydrated
- Gently stretch a few times throughout the day
- Drink warm, non-caffeinated, non-alcoholic drinks in the envening (behavioral cue for sleep)
When Grief Gets Stuck
Sometimes, grief hangs on for months or even years in ways that compromise living an enjoyable life. This doesn’t mean something is “wrong with you;” it simply means that the loss was overwhelming and you are struggling to grieve in a way that provides relief.
Some Indicators of Prolonged Grief
- No oscillation (all avoidance or all immersion)
- Persistent disbelief or denial
- Identity frozen at the time of the loss
- No new friendships or activities months or years later
- Inability to experience any pleasant emotion (anhedonia)
- Physical symptoms or health issues
Sometimes, when grief is overwhelming and the grieving process is stuck, it is helpful to reach out to a therapist with training in grief therapy who is skilled in the tools noted below.
- Reality integration (activities that make the loss tangible, real, and difficult to deny).
- Redefining the relationship with the loss (continuing bonding activities alternated with present day activities not related to the loss)
- Building post-loss identity
- Building a “new” life
- Reducing rumination
Therapists will often use integrated interventions such as Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement and Desensitization (EMDR), Narrative therapy, Acceptance and Commitment therapy, and others to address prolonged grief.
Grieving Worksheet
1. Naming the Loss
Grief follows meaningful change. Start by defining what was lost.
Who or what was lost?
What did this person/role/relationship/future give you?
What parts of life feel different now?
2. Acknowledging the Reality
Write about the reality of the loss using clear language.
What happened? (At your own pace)
What moments make it feel most real?
Reminders I tend to avoid:
One reminder I could gently approach this week:
3. Emotional Awareness
Circle or add emotions you’ve experienced:
Sadness | Anger | Relief | Guilt | Fear | Confusion | Numbness | Loneliness | Gratitude | Other: ________
Right now I mostly feel:
Where do I feel this in my body?
What the emotion might be trying to say:
4. Continuing Bonds (Maintaining Connection)
Grief does not require forgetting. Identify ways you stay connected.
Something I want them to know today:
A value or trait I carry forward from them:
One ritual, object, place, or activity that helps me remember:
If they could respond to me today, they might say:
5. Sharing the Grief (Witnessing)
Support helps the brain process loss.
Safe people I can share with:
Type of support I need right now (check): ☐ Listening ☐ Distraction ☐ Practical help ☐ Quiet company ☐ Advice (only if asked) ☐ Other: __________
6. Meaning Reconstruction
Meaning is not explaining the loss — it is shaping life after it.
How has this loss changed what matters to me?
What have I learned about myself?
A way I might honor this loss moving forward:
7. Rebuilding Life Around the Loss
Choose small steps toward living while grieving.
One small future plan:
A routine I could gently restart or try:
One manageable activity this week:
8. Daily Regulation Check‑In
Aim for one from each category daily.
Feel: (journal, cry, memory, letter)
Restore: (walk, shower, repetitive task, familiar show)
Connect: (text, sit with someone, brief conversation)
Maintain: (eat, hydrate, sleep routine, sunlight)
9. Body Care
Check what you practiced today: ☐ Ate regularly ☐ Drank water ☐ Morning light exposure ☐ Gentle movement/stretching ☐ Limited substances ☐ Consistent sleep routine
Closing Reflection
Today, grief felt like:
Today, life also included:
Both can exist at the same time.
Support Circle
Put yourself in the center of the diagram, then fill each external circle going outward, with the most important, safe, dependable people (or animals) you can share your grief with and count on to be there for you, closest to you, with people who can support you in less intimate ways in the outer rings.
