In popular culture, and even in therapeutic environments, we frequently refer to emotions and feelings as “positive” and “negative.” This is natural because some emotions feel better than others and some frankly feel really uncomfortable. However, although it’s natural to categorize emotions that way, it actually gets in the way of psychological health—and healing when emotions are connected to psychic wounds.
This polemic labeling of emotions creates two significant problems for our mental health. One substantial downside is that when we identify an emotion or feeling as “negative,” our natural response is to avoid or resist or suppress it because it is a “bad” emotion. The second, noteworthy problem, is that the very act of labeling the emotion as “bad” or “negative,” whether or not we avoid it, tends to result in more stress and diminished psychological wellbeing. One peer reviewed study from 2023 found that “negative judgments of negative emotions were uniquely associated with worse psychological health concurrently and prospectively.” While it may seem counter-intuitive to embrace difficult or uncomfortable feelings, part of being an evolved, emotionally healthy human being, is to have access to a broad palate of feelings that reflect the reality of life experiences—and to feel and express the emotions that make sense in given circumstances. In fact, research over the last 15 years makes it clear that acceptance, without judgment, of unpleasant or difficult emotions is actually necessary for psychological health and wellbeing, because it mitigates avoidance, it normalizes the experience, and it shortens the duration of emotional distress.
Unfortunately, because we label emotions as positive and negative, we are biased toward honoring and welcoming emotions that feel good, while short-changing, judging, or actively avoiding emotions that are uncomfortable. A recent report from Cornell University found that “labeling emotions as ‘bad’ contributes to our negative feelings, making us feel even worse.” In other words, the nature of the emotion is not predictive for our psychological wellbeing. However, how we feel about (meta-emotion) and label the emotion is predictive for our psychological health. Our propensity to label difficult emotions as “negative” is, in itself, bad for us!
Avoidance is particularly pernicious. As a client once presciently said, “When we bury emotions, we bury them alive.” Not only do they not go away just because we buried them, they often “Zombify” and eventually crawl to the surface as different/more intense emotions than when they were suppressed, frequently in a dysregulated state. Over time, they might also manifest psychogenically as migraines or gastrointestinal symptoms or addiction or even autoimmune disorders among many other “medical” conditions. To paraphrase the comedian Bill Burr from one of his comedic bits, “I’m not old enough to die, but I’m emotionally repressed enough to drop dead of a heart attack.”
At least as importantly, when we in some way avoid, diminish, or pejoratively judge emotions because they are “negative,” we fail to experience life as it actually is, while living inauthentically. Moreover, we can short circuit human connection and psychological healing when we interact and behave from a place of denial. Additionally, the very act of pushing back against or avoiding an uncomfortable feeling can intensify the discomfort we feel. A Buddhist perspective on this dynamic suggests that the difference between pain and suffering is resistance, so although our avoidance may be well intentioned, as the Cornell report noted, it can actually make us feel worse! A possibly more compelling argument for letting in difficult emotions is that it is the variety of emotion that gives meaning and texture to lived experience—to our quality of life. Without occasional despair, we can’t appreciate the wonder of joy. Moreover, the dialectical nature of life makes it possible to be simultaneously sad and grateful or to feel love for someone who has hurt us. It is that complexity and nuance that is often at the heart of humanity itself, but only if we embrace all emotion.
It is also likely that, similar to physical pain and discomfort, we actually need to acknowledge and feel psychic discomfort, which serves as a warning that something is not right or safe or healthy in our lives.
Of note, the importance of accepting and feeling a broad palate of emotions does not negate the value of “positive thinking” and certainly doesn’t negate the value of a positive attitude, which research clearly shows often results in choices and behaviors that support desired, positive outcomes. However, it is important that positive thinking doesn’t manifest as purposeful avoidance of unpleasant feelings. Positive thinking and acceptance of difficult emotions can co-exist.
So, why do we label emotions the way we do?
As noted previously, one obvious answer is that some emotions feel better or worse than others, so we associate those feelings with positive and negative, but that explanation is not sufficient. More importantly, Western psychology has led us to fear many of the emotions that are part of being human via the idea that we have to immediately intervene when we are feeling difficult emotions or symptoms—that we have to quickly apply “tools” so we will feel better. More pernicious is the psychiatric/diagnostic lens we use to label symptoms and emotions as pathological rather than natural, normal human feelings under given circumstances. For example, if someone is feeling intense grief related to a significant loss for more than a year (with some other criteria), the DSM 5 (Diagnostic Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association), labels that “Prolonged Grief Disorder, when the grief may be totally appropriate—and which is a very personal, individual process regardless. Other examples relate to anxiety, depression, anger, insecurity, sexual desire, etc.
What might be an alternative way to label emotions?
Rather than the highly judgmental classification of positive and negative, we might refer to emotions as pleasant and unpleasant (but necessary), or intense or less intense, regardless of the emotion. Maybe we simply remove the polemic all together and refer to emotions as diverse or varied or insightful, none of which are good or bad, but all of which reflect possible ways of feeling if we’re just paying attention!
One metaphor for thinking about the power, and adaptiveness, of all human emotions, is to think about artwork with paint or markers or crayons. The smaller the palate of colors, the less complex the hues of the artwork. What one can create (and express) with four colors is vastly different than 12 colors or 32 colors.
It’s clear that judging and avoiding emotions can be detrimental, but what are some overt benefits of embracing difficult emotions?
- Emotional Awareness/Intelligence: Recognizing and accepting “negative” emotions can lead to greater emotional awareness and intra and interpersonal intelligence. This awareness helps individuals understand their feelings and the underlying causes, promoting personal growth and greater understanding of others.
- Better Mental Health: Studies indicate that judging certain emotions as negative/inappropriate can lead to diminished psychological health. Accepting these feelings, rather than suppressing them, is linked to better psychological outcomes.
- Effective Coping: Accepting and feeling unpleasant emotions can motivate individuals to make necessary changes in their lives.
- Quality of Life: Embracing the wide variety of emotions open to us, including those that don’t “feel good,” connects us to our humanity as emotionally evolved and well-balanced humans, whose life experience is nuanced and full.
In summary, we don’t have to like or enjoy all emotions. But it is important, if not essential, to create space for all the things we feel, especially the misnomer of “negative” emotions, because that is where we typically hold distress, injury, loss, etc., and those are the feelings that are most likely to become toxic or dysregulated when they are suppressed and later reappear. When we can sit with, name, and validate those sometimes unpleasant feelings, we support emotional growth and alignment between what we are experiencing and what we are feeling—and a nice benefit is that we are likely to feel discomfort for shorter durations. Moreover, when our experiences include being wounded, honoring these emotions is also typically an important part of healing.
So, let’s stop referring to emotions as positive and negative and honor all of them as foundational for psychological health and the gift of a full human experience.
A Note about Children
We begin socializing children toward this idea that some emotions are not okay or acceptable very early in life. We discourage the open display of “negative” emotions and even go so far as to say things like “there’s nothing to be scared of” and isolating or punishing children when they act out in anger. We also often try to shut down displays of sadness and crying. This not only sets children up for an unhealthy relationship with feelings as adolescents and adults, it misses a crucial opportunity for learning social-emotional and executive functioning skills. Naming, validating, and processing difficult emotions as children results in regulated and affectively skillful adolescents and adults. And when that doesn’t happen, they end up in my office struggling to navigate intra and interpersonal issues across all domains of their lives.
References
Ford, B. Q., Lam, P., John, O. P., & Mauss, I. B. (2018). The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts: Laboratory, diary, and longitudinal evidence. Journal of personality and social psychology, 115(6), 1075–1092. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000157
Hall, S. (2023, May 24). Why it’s important to accept negative emotions. Evidence-Based Living. Cornell University. https://evidencebasedliving.human.cornell.edu/blog/why-its-important-to-accept-negative-emotions/
Willroth, E. C., Young, G., Tamir, M., & Mauss, I. B. (2023). Judging emotions as good or bad: Individual differences and associations with psychological health. Emotion (Washington, D.C.), 23(7), 1876–1890. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0001220