I was recently in session with a Gen Z client and they were casually sharing about having “cut off” three previous friends for various relational infractions. In one case, the friend’s behavior, as described by the client, was, indeed, fairly noxious. The other two struck me, as an “on the cusp” Gen Xer/Boomer, as immature and unkind, but not necessarily something that required the “nuclear” option of no-contact/estrangement.
I did not challenge the client, but then and after the session, I was wondering what things those relationships might have provided and what relational skills might have been honed, had the client chosen to approach the friends in a vulnerable, authentic way, seeking understanding and reconciliation, rather than simply walking away. When the time is right, I will likely revisit the topic.
There is no doubt that estrangement is becoming a much more common choice for dealing with relational conflict than it was in the past, both in family and with other kinds of relationships. On one hand, younger adults are probably smarter than their elders about choosing not to put up with a range of unhealthy dynamics in their lives. On the other hand, it also seems that younger folks have fairly low tolerance for relational distress, which, when resulting in cutting people off, also results in lost opportunity in relationships that may have been hard, but may also have been a source of significant learning or enjoyment or human connection or even intimacy, had they been allowed to evolve, even through challenging times. In fact, it is often the relationships that survive difficulty that provide the most value.
As it relates to families, younger millennials and certainly Gen Zers, typically no longer see kinship relationships as obligatory as they often were in the past. No doubt previous generations “suffered” through some very hard and even harmful familial relationships, seeing them as compulsory, but even hard relationships can have value, providing shared commitment and experience, celebrations, and spoken or unspoken fealty.[1]
Because human connection is so central to wellbeing I worry that the ease with which young people are choosing estrangement with friends and family, does not portend well for their current and future mental health. Moreover, when folks are replacing genuine human connection with toxic activities such as social media, substance use, and other forms of isolation, limiting the number of people in their social circle is almost certainly not in their short or long-term interest.
[1] To be clear, it is not healthy to continue to engage with anyone who is abusive or significantly compromises one’s mental health, and, in those cases, ceasing all contact may be the best choice.