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We spend a significant amount of time in relationships in a place of not knowing, guessing, and ambiguity, which often leads to misunderstanding/misconnecting, and ultimately, resentment. The good news is the bridge between not knowing and knowing, or ambiguity and clarity, is constructed with simple questions and sharing information and needs.

So, why would we choose to spend so much time in a place of not knowing when that is clearly not good for a relationship and when the solution is so straightforward?

There are a few common reasons. One is simple fear. If I ask my partner how they feel or what they need, I might not like the answer. I might believe I’ve fallen short or that I’m not capable of responding effectively. If I share my need with my partner, they might not understand it or meet it and I’ll feel rejection on top of not having my need met. A second reason is that we often think we’re not supposed to have “needs.” From a gender perspective, women are typically socialized to meet other people’s needs and men are socialized not to have needs to begin with—a bullet proof form of masculinity. Another reason is that we may not feel worthy of being understood and having our needs met.

Even the simple sharing of information comes with perceived risk. When we share even “basic” information with a partner, their response might be invalidating. For example, I might say, “I have a project at work that I really don’t like. It’s really hard to get enough motivation in the morning to even start it.” My partner could respond in a validating way or say something like, “I don’t like parts of my work either. We need your job. Just buck up and do it.”

So, we often spend a lot of unnecessary time in our relationships in a place of unknowing even when knowing would be a lot better and moving toward clarity is a fairly easy process. We make maladaptive choices that get in the way because of fear and sometimes a lack of worthiness.

To be clear, we’re not “dumb.” We’re protective. All of us are affected by “enduring vulnerabilities,” a phrase coined by a UCLA psychologist, that refers to hurts and wounds that we carry with us from the past into current and future relationships. Our fear of rejection or invalidation is typically an enduring vulnerability that gets in the way of clearly expressing a need or even sharing information. We hedge and hint in the hopes that our partner will get it, while also trying to protect ourselves from rejection if they don’t. We’re basically setting ourselves up. Just the fact of failing to openly communicate, results in not being understood and/or not having needs met, which over time leads to resentment, which creates distance and compromises intimacy.

Sometimes we’ve “learned” in a relationship that openness and vulnerability are not, in fact, safe—that our needs, even when communicated, will not be honored and met. And sometimes we are not safe for our partners. In those cases, seeking professional help may be in order. However, if our maladaptive behavior is related to enduring vulnerabilities from the past rather than the reality of our current relationship, then being intentional about seeking clarity and articulating needs and information is central to avoiding the challenges that come with ambiguity. The place to start is by personalizing this simple statement: This is how I feel and this is what I need. The flipside is: Tell me how you feel and what you need. Taking a risk and having it honored is powerful for connection and intimacy.