When we lose something important—a person, a relationship, a career, a physical ability—grief over that loss is common. And, the more important or precious the thing we lost was, the more intense the grief typically is.

Sometimes the sense of loss can be devastating. When we lose a person with whom we had a deeply close and intimate relationship, whether it was familial, romantic, or platonic, it can even be hard to breathe. It can be hard to imagine going on without that person.

Of course, some losses are less intense, but still include grief. It is a spectrum. And wherever a person is on that spectrum, they tend to want to stop feeling all of the difficult emotion that comes with grief. As natural as that desire for relief is, it is probably not the best approach to healing.

The intensity of grief tends to corelate with how significant the loss is. It validates the importance and value of what one had as in, “My spouse was my rock,” or “My career meant everything to me,” or “My vision allowed me to paint.” When we resist the feelings that are part of grief, we not only in some way deny the significance of the thing we lost, but we also actually increase the intensity of the grief because we add the distress of the resistance onto what we’re already feeling. You can see more about the value of honoring emotions in general here. Also, for some people, grief creates an entryway for previously challenging situations, losses, and stressors that were not resolved the first time around, making it more intense and complex than it might otherwise be.

Grieving is a very personal and individual process. There is no “normal.” The relative intensity and process of grieving belong to the person grieving. The loss of a pet or a home can be as overwhelming for one person as the loss of a close friend or relative for another person.

Grief can be so intense because in addition to the loss itself, we also often lose things such as:

• Connection
• Purpose
• Personal Expression
• Identity
• Our Previous View of the Future
• A Sense of Security
• Support

Fortunately, although the loss itself does not go away or get erased, over time, the intensity and pervasiveness of the grief tends to wane as we learn to navigate life, not in denial of the loss, but in the context of the loss. We learn that there can be other sources of connection and purpose and expression, and identity—and even joy. Often, this process happens naturally, particularly if we make space for and honor our grief as it is happening.

There are also things we can be intentional about that support the healing process and provide some relief along the way. For example:

• Take occasional breaks via distraction and even temporary avoidance. We don’t have to sit with the loss every minute of every day.
• Give yourself permission to occasionally laugh and enjoy the moment. Having moments of relief or even pleasure does not diminish the role of mourning.
• Allow yourself small, new substitutes for the loss. Making a new connection or finding a new activity doesn’t mean you are forgetting or replacing who or what you lost.
• Tell the story of your loss. Sharing your loss with others brings it to life and creates opportunities for others to support you in your time of need.
• Own your grief and grieving. As noted, grieving is a very individual and personal process, so asserting what works for you will prevent the dissonance that comes from following a process that doesn’t feel right for you.
• Be patient. The mourning process is not linear nor on a schedule.
• Get professional support. Therapy for grief often helps to diminish the intensity of grief and accelerate the healing process.

A Note about the Loss of a Child

As shared above, there are many kinds of loss that can lead to some level of grief. However, it is widely understood in the mental health field that the loss of a child, particularly when they are in their youth, is the most devastating loss a human can experience. Although parents can often find a way to keep going after the loss of a child, there is usually a clearly defined before and after, and healing is often more about surviving the loss and learning to function with a profound hole in one’s heart and life. In such cases, parents may ultimately find meaning in life and, and, at some point, feel “positive” emotions and experiences again, but they usually never fully recover from the loss. Parents who have lost a child should have a special place in all of our hearts.